The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out.

The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one," and then jumps from the plane.

The coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out.

The winger says, "I'm the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out of the plane.

The club president looks at the prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me". The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back."

Traveling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."

Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.

"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.

"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.

While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?"

The son replies "I've only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you Auckland bastards!!!"

In 1983 3 kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."

The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.

The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.

The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy arsehole." 20 years later, he's playing the back line for the Wallabies.

Clive Woodward (coach of the English rugby team) and John Mitchell (coach of the New Zealand rugby team) both die and enter the Pearly Gates. God takes Clive on a tour of heaven and ends up at a little two-bedroom bungalow with a faded English rugby banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Clive," says God, "You're very lucky. Most people don't get their own houses up here, you know." Clive looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the huge mansion on top of the hill. A massive, multi-storey affair with white marble columns, balconies and attractive gardens, All Black banners line both sides of the footpath and a huge New Zealand flag hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God," says Clive, "But let me ask you a question. How come I get this little two-bedroom bungalow and John Mitchell gets a huge mansion with all those marble columns and things." God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Mitchell's house," God says. "That's my house."

The South Africans were flying to a tour when their plane lost an engine. The pilot came over the loudspeakers and informed everyone, but insisted that this was alright as they had another and it was more than capable of reaching their destination. As soon as he finished on the microphone the second engine blew and he came back on informing everyone that it was time to make their peace.

The South African captain then led his team and others on the plane in prayer. The plane crashed and they all went to heaven.

As it happened, this was the day before the annual Heaven versus Hell Rugby match (as those who have played subbies know, ours is also the game they play in hell).

God saw his opportunity and called the Devil.

G: I was thinking about tomorrow's game and thought of increasing the normal stakes.
D: Sure thing, I'm a betting man!
G: OK, how about we double the bet to 200 souls?
D: Look, I don't mind that, but I'm happy to make it a thousand.
G: Good stuff, one thousand souls it is.
D: Deal
God sniggered slightly down the 'phone line, which make the Devil's ears prick up
D: You're up to something, I can tell, what is it?
G: I might be up to something, but you'll find out tomorrow.
D: Look, our bets made and you know I won't back out of it, tell me
G: OK, I have the entire Springbok side
D: That's alright, did you forget that I still have all the referees!

Why don't rugby players have mid-life crisises?

They stay stuck in adolescence.

Why do rugby players like smart women?

Opposites attract.

Why do people tend to hate Australian Rugby players on sight?
Because it saves time.

Rugby player in Chinese restaurant:
"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."
Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."

A man went to the doctor one day and said: "I've just been playing Rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt." So the doctor said: "You've broken your finger."

There's a man sitting in the front row at the Rugby World Cup Finals, but amazingly, there's an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says: "Do you mind if I sit here?"

"No, not at all," replies the first man. "It's my wife's seat, but she died recently.."

"So why didn't you get one of your family to come," asks the second man out of curiosity.

"They're all at the funeral."

Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind they goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Once, a long time ago, there was a Wallaby tour of New Zealand. During their stay in Wellington, one of the players had a fairly torrid affair with a local lass. The team moved on, the girl stayed behind, and the whole thing was eventually forgotten about.
Four years later, the same player returns back to NZ with another Wallaby touring side. They are in Wellington, and who should he see walking down the street but his lover with a small child! He runs up to her and greets her, and asks if the child is his. "Yes", she says, "it is." "But why didn't you tell me?" he asked plaintively. "Well" she said, "after I found out I was pregnant, I invited all the members of my family together for a discussion on the matter - my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, aunts and cousins. And we all came to the same conclusion: we would rather that it was a bastard than have a Wallaby for a father".

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan.  She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans.  Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.  "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Eddie Jones immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."
Bobby: "No probs, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

Little Brucie
Little Brucie was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up;-

Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them shag him."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Brucie aside.

She asked him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Brucie, "My father plays rugby for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

4 Backs
Q. How do you get four backs on a bar stool?

A. Turn it upside down.

The Welsh Jersey
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in an Welsh rugby jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Referee
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

"Well," said the ref, "I was reffing a game between Northern Transvaal and Natal at Loftus Versveld. Northerns were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try."

"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book." says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says "Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"

The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago."

The Fan
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.

"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.

"It's for my wife."

"But why isn't she here?"

"She died."

"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They've all gone to the funeral."

Love child
Once, a long time ago, there was a Wallaby tour of New Zealand. During their stay in Wellington, one of the players had a fairly torrid affair with a local lass. The team moved on, the girl stayed behind, and the whole thing was eventually forgotten about.

Four years later, the same player returns back to NZ with another Wallaby touring side. They are in Wellington, and who should he see walking down the street but his lover with a small child! He runs up to her and greets her, and asks if the child is his. "Yes", she says, "it is.". "But why didn't you tell me?" he asked plaintively. "Well" she said, "after I found out I was pregnant, I invited all the members of my family together for a discussion on the matter - my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, aunts and cousins. And we all came to the same conclusion: we would rather that it was a bastard than have a Wallaby for a father".

Babies
Three rugby players are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is a Welshman, one English and the other a West Indian.

They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying, "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said.

"In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

With that the Welshman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a black infant with dreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."

"Maybe", said the Welshman, "but one of the other two is English and I'm not taking the risk."

Irishman
Did you hear about the Irish rugby player who was found dead outside a Pizza Hut covered in cheese, tomatos, mushrooms, peppers and pepperoni. Police reckon he topped himself.

New Training Method
Clive Woodward is curious to find out how Graham Henry has turned around the fortunes of the Welsh team so quickly, so he decides to go to Cardiff and see how Graham Henry coaches his team. After a day he is not really impressed by the training routines so he asks Henry how he manages to get his players so sharp.

"Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally".

Of course Clive wants an example, so Graham asks Robert Howley to come over to the touchline. Graham asks him: "Robert, answer this question…..he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?". "That's easy", Robert answers immediately, "Of course, it's me". "You see? That's the way you keep them sharp", Henry says to Woodward.

Woodward, keen to take this on board decides to bring this into the next England squad session. He calls Jason Leonard over to the touchline. “Jason, answer this question”, he says, “He is not your brother, but he is still your father's son, who is he?” “Bleedin' 'ell" says Jason, "That's a tough one to answer. Can I sleep on it tonight and tell you in the morning". "OK", says Clive. "Anyway", continues Jason, "why have you asked me the question?". Clive explains it has to do with some New Zealand coaching method.

So that night, unable to answer the question, Jason has a bright idea and decides to phone his club coach Zinzan Brook and ask him for the answer; he's from New Zealand, so he's bound to know. “Zinzan, can you help me with the answer to this question ... he is not your brother, but he is still your father's son. Who is he?”. “That's easy, it's me!”, says Zinzan.

So the next day Jason walks full of confidence into training. Clive sees him and asks "OK, Jason do you know the answer to my question now?". "Of course, it was pretty easy really”, he says “It's Zinzan Brook". "Don't be so bloody stupid" said Woodward, "It's Robert Howley"

Lomu
The All Blacks were playing England and after the half time whistle blew They found themselves up by 50 points to nil with Jonah Lomu scoring 8 tries on his own. The rest of the team decided to go down to the pub instead of playing the second half and told Jonah that he was on his own.

"No problems", Jonah told the captain, "I'll come down after the game and report back."

Well, after the game Jonah found the rest of the team at the pub. "What was the final score Jonah?" asked one of the players. "Sorry guys, but it ended up 95 points to 5."

"What!!!!!?", exclaimed the captain. "How did you let them get 5 points????" To which Jonah replied, "I got sent off with 20 minutes to go".

Goose
The Welsh team is playing England and just before kick-off Shane Williams slips, pulls a muscle and can’t play. Shaum Edwards is so desperate as there aren’t any other full backs in Wales is forced to play a goose (it’s OK, it's got Welsh grandparents).

Rather surprisingly the goose has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line and making cover tackles, the next it’s joined the line linking up perfectly with the backs. At half time all its GH is very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.

On the way the ref starts chatting with the goose. "Great first half goose, you must be really fit". "Thanks", replied the goose, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work". "What do you do then?" asked the ref. "I'm a chartered accountant" replies the goose. At which point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the goose off. The bemused team mates gather round the ref and start complaining.

"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice. Professional fowl".

Aussies
A rugby player from Cardiff is having a quiet drink in a Sydney Bar. He leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear an Aussie joke?". The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke you should know something: I'm six feet tall, 105kgs and I'm a Wallaby forward. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115kgs and he's an ex-Wallaby. Next to him is a bloke who's 6'5" weighs 120kgs and he's a current Wallaby second-rower. Now, do you still want to tell that Aussie joke?".

The Welshman says, "Nah..... not if I'm going to have to explain it three times".

The Pope and the shark
On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his Itinerary to visit the West coast near Aberystwyth on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow.

"He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nowt about shark hunting.

How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

Smack
Travelling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."

Rugby Shirt
The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.
While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!" The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas." The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you Auckland bastards!!!"

Clumsy Kid
In 1983 three kids were playing in the street in Cardiff when they were hit by a bus. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there and as you're flying back down to Earth shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."

The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts, "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later he is a very successful lawyer making lots of money with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.

The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts, "Brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.

The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering, "Stupid clumsy arsehole." 20 years later he's playing scrum half for Wales.

Aussies
Q. Why do people tend to hate Australian Rugby players on sight?

A. Because it saves time.

Take your positions
Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind they goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Custody
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to England Rugby Club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

Snow White
Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down. Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting, "Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the World Cup." On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe.

Rugby heaven

During a Wales v England match at the Millennium Stadium a lightning storm hit Cardiff and a bolt was conducted through the towers to the touch line.

In a tragic accident both coaches - Mike Ruddock and Sir Clive Woodward - were killed.

They were taken straight to heaven where they were warmly greeted by the Almighty.

After a while, Clive was taken to his new accommodation.

He was pleased to find a lovely English country-style cottage with statues outside in the form of English rugby greats.

As a constant background he could hear the sweet voices of angels singing "Jerusalem" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

Clive was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill.

He listened closer and could hear "Bread of Heaven" followed by "Land of My Fathers."

Clive looked up the hill to see a great palace with statues outside of Barry John, Gareth Edwards and JPR Williams.

A party was taking place in the garden with Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try at Wembley against England in 1999.

Clive went to the Lord and said: "Look, I don't want to appear ungrateful - my cottage is great, but why does Mike get the huge mansion?"

God broke into a laugh as he replied: "Clive, you've got it all wrong! That's not Mike's place - it's mine!"

Rugby Tickets

A man had a ticket for the Rugby World Cup Final but was seated in the upper, nosebleed seats. As the match begins, he notices an empty seat down near the pitch on the midfield line. Taking a chance, he makes his way down to the empty seat and asks the man next to it if anyone is sitting there.
"No", says the seated man," That seat is empty."
"This is incredible," says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The seated man says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Rugby Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987".
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?".
The seated man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."